


Waste Away

by Retro_Cows



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: !!DEREALIZATION WARNING!!, Angst, Cuddling, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Major act 4 spoilers, Other, Unspecific non-human Benrey, angst fluff then more angst, dogs :), fluff sandwiched in angst, he/him non-binary Benrey, idk how to do tags, married, no sex because ew, rated t for character death and some swearing, slight divergence from canon in beginning and end, when I say major character death I mean it as much as possible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26621461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Retro_Cows/pseuds/Retro_Cows
Summary: This takes place right before the ending of act 4 I can’t say much without spoiling it, sorry in advance. This story takes some inspiration from an episode of a show but I’ll say what show and what episode at the end to avoid spoilers.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 12
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1 (I’m bad at chapter titles shut the fuck)

**Author's Note:**

> Yay! First fanfic posted in years! I’m not the best at writing so please don’t be mean about my writing skills, I appreciate it! There are probably grammar and spelling mistakes in this English isn’t a second language I’m just stupid. Future me if you are here to private this you are a coward.

“DONT FUCK WITH THE SCIENCE TEAM” Dr. Coomer yelled as he laid the final blow on Benrey. As he fell, limp, a light filled the room, Gordon had to close his eyes. When he opened them, everyone else was gone, everyone else but _him_. Gordon paid no attention to his now missing friends and ran up to Benrey’s side.

Love is a complicated concept, even in adulthood, most people don’t completely understand it. There are many inopportune times to realize your in love, though right after fatally wounding that person is hard to beat. Gordon couldn’t be angrier at himself as he sat there, looking with teary eyes at Benrey. He looked for any hope of life, even if hours before he had wished for anything but.

After a few minutes he finally cracked and walked closer and kneeled to Benrey, he used his only hand to turn the eldritch beasts face towards him. As he did this he heard a small pained breath, Gordon’s eyes widened, Benrey looked up weakly at Gordon, life all but drained from his body. 

“G- g- or...” Benrey attempted to form words but couldn’t find it in him as much as he wanted. Benrey looked at the scene in front of him in confusion, Gordon was crying? Why? Where were they? It didn’t look like Black Masa. Maybe it was Gordon’s house? Certainly not what he expected from Gordon’s house but who was he to judge.

“Shhhhh shhhhh it’s alright you don’t need to talk” Gordon did the first thing that came to mind and went full comfort mode, wiped his own tears with his non-gun hand and scooping up a confused and weak looking Benrey in his arms.

“A-are... you... ok- ay” Benrey saw the pain in Gordon’s eyes, though he still didn’t know what was going on, he cupped a hand on the side of Gordon’s still crying face to comfort him with a weak but concerned look. Gordon leaned into the touch gently, Benrey wasn’t acting his usual, though Gordon didn’t know much about whatever he was, he knew this much blood loss couldn’t go without its negative effects. 

“Benrey... I’m so sorry” Gordon suddenly regretted everything, he used his hand to wipe his own tears though they kept flowing out. Benrey looked up at Gordon confused as to why he was apologizing, Gordon didn’t do anything wrong, did he? Benrey having trouble talking opened his mouth, weakly letting out blue and purple sweet voice. Gordon had picked up a little information on how to read sweet voice from Tommy and spent a minute watching the small blue and purple balls floating up into the air... “lavender to seafoam blue means I’m happy to be with you” Tommy would say.

Gordon carefully let go of Benrey and cried into his own hand. His brain was so torn between hating himself for doing this to Benrey and hating himself for being in love with him. Gordon looked back down at the man, he was weaker than ever but looked like he wanted to say something.

“Wwww... a- ant H.. h-u... ug?” Gordon didn’t hesitate, he gently wrapped his arms around the short man in front of him. With his last bit of energy, Benrey attempted to hug back to the best of his ability, only really being able to set his arms on top of Gordon’s back. As Benrey sat there with Gordon, he realized just how tired he was, he had never felt tired before but knew that’s what this feeling was based on what people on the Science team would say, now seemed like the perfect time for a nap, here hugging Gordon felt warm, it felt safe, calm even. Benrey smiled and closed his eyes and let whatever sleep he could get consume him, humming happily.

•••

Benrey sat on his and Gordon’s couch with their switch, the animal crossing 5:00 pm music filled the room as Benrey fixed up his island’s landscaping. Just as he was about to finish up he heard someone open the door. 

“I’m home!” Benrey smiled as he saw his husband walk through the door and set his stuff down. 

“Hello Mr. Feetman, how was work today,” Benrey said, putting his face behind the switch holding back a snicker.

“You really think that joke is so funny don’t you, 5 years now and you still can’t get over it” Gordon chuckled and sat down next to the grey-skinned idiot and put his head on his shoulder as he continued to play. Ever since Gordon had picked up that job, Benrey had a lot more free time on his hands, most of which when into animal crossing and sleeping. Benrey leaned his head on Gordon’s and smiled more.

“So how was work today, do I need to go in and scare the kids into learning all the nerd shit you push on to them,” Benrey asked, walking over to resident services to see his island’s rating. Gordon chuckled a bit making Benrey smile more.

“No, I don’t think that’ll be necessary, it’s been good, I mean as good as it can be when teaching middle schoolers science, but y’ know” Gordon smiled as he leaned in closer to Benrey, Gordon was exhausted after work and just wanted to cuddle up to his spouse and take a nap. 

They sat there for a while talking, at one point Gordon had asked a question about Animal Crossing (a grave mistake), leaving Benrey to explain everything to him. As he talked Gordon smiled, nodding every few seconds, and quietly fell asleep on his still talking spouse’s shoulder, Benrey still not too knowledgeable on sleeping and most other things humans did that he didn’t, did not notice until he had asked Gordon a question. 

Benrey looked at Gordon for a few seconds still waiting for a response, he had remembered what Gordon had taught him about sleeping and whispered a quiet “oh” to himself before moving Gordon’s head to a pillow and grabbing a blanket for him, placing it on his back before carefully removing his glasses. Benrey turned off his switch and looked intently at his sleeping husband, though Gordon had explained sleeping to him so many times, all those nerd words made it hard to keep up. He watched as he noticed things like his slowed breathing and calm expression. Benrey has only ever seen a human sleep at night so was very interested in seeing in happen at 6:40 pm, hours from sundown.

Benrey smiled a bit, “I love you Gordon” he whispered, he knew he wasn’t gonna get a response, but he felt like he needed to say it at the moment. 

A few minutes of waiting later Benrey was already bored, he looked to see Gordon was still sleeping by his side. Benrey looked on, still interested, he had tested if he could sleep at night, many times to no avail, but not a day, maybe he was... what did that nerd call it nocktornell? Naktarnol? The thing where you can’t sleep at night.

The grey-skinned eldritch horror crawled under the blanket with his husband and cuddled up close, examining once more how Gordon’s face looked. Benrey mimicked his face to the best of his ability with his strange-looking features and attempted to make himself calm.... nothing, he was still awake. Benrey sighed and almost got up before he felt Gordon wrapping his arms around him and pulling him in closer. 

Cuddling wasn’t as much of a foreign concept to Benrey as sleeping, he understood cuddling more. Though he started off confused by it, Benrey liked it when he got to cuddle with his husband, it was warm, his body temperature would always get warmer when he got to cuddle with Gordon, he believes Gordon called him ‘cold-blooded?’ Benrey always tunes out when he talks about science so he didn’t understand it and only ever picked up a few terms here and there.

Benrey accepted his fate of spending the rest of his days trapped being in his husbands loving arms and sat there looking at Gordon’s face, right above him. He would have to wait until Gordon woke up to be able to move, but as long as Gordon seemed happy like he was right now, Benrey was happy.


	2. “I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy here it is after way too long, final chapter, get ready because this one sure does have an ending

Benrey sat quietly in the back of the car, Gordon as of late had been keeping the car warm for the sake of the cold blooded alien, coats never really helped him stay warm, and he appreciated when Gordon did small things like that. The monster sighed and looked over to his side to their dog, Fanta, one of the half immortal puppies of Tommy’s dog Sunkist. Fanta had just had a long walk so looked exhausted, the car ride home wasn’t an eventful one as Benrey watched Gorgon drive the old car home. He leaned his head on the car window and pet Fanta who wagged her tail happily. 

“Oh babe, the Science Team is coming over tonight, you should hang out with them this time,” Gordon said, keeping his eyes on the road.

“Um...” Benrey looked out the window. The Science Team was fine, hell, aside from Gordon, Tommy was Benrey’s best friend, plus Bubby and Coomer were chill as far as old men go, but it was something about them as a group. As far back as when he was first introduced to them, something always felt... wrong, whenever they were all in the same room. Benrey always avoided being in a room with all of them at once, he would always feel overwhelmed and sick. He would never tell Gordon this fact though, he couldn’t, they were Gordon’s friends and none of them had done anything wrong. The monster sighed as quietly as he could muster “alright... I’m down” Benrey hid his dread in his voice well, well enough that his husband didn’t even notice. 

Gordon smiled, excited to spend time with his 3 best friends and spouse, it was gonna be nice. Benrey attempted to take his mind off the topic, instead choosing to think of how happy Fanta would be to see Sunkist and Squirt when Tommy came over. 

•••

Gordon sat down on the couch followed by his spouse and their carefree German Shepard-Yellow Lab Mixed dog. The Science Team would be there any minute, but for now, it was just them 3. Benrey had since calmed over the situation, choosing to forget about it and focusing on Gordon who anxiously tapped his foot.

“You good” Benrey asked scooting up a bit closer to Gordon. Benrey may not know humans well but could always tell when something was up with Gordon.

“Oh uh...” Gordon sighed “yeah I’m fine Bubby just had to cancel because of work and I’m and you know how I can be. I just really wanted the whole science team over. Gordon stopped himself from tapping his foot and instead put an arm around Benrey who proceeded to lean more into Gordon’s side. Benrey almost smiled after hearing this but couldn’t help but also feel bad. 

“Hey, there's always next time isn’t there?” Benrey said as he pulled out his phone and scrolled through Discord, Gordon stayed silent for a good moment then nodded, still not responding. 

A knocking came from the door causing Fanta to start barking and running around. Benrey looked out the window then jumped with excitement. He went to open the door to see two dogs and a man waiting.

“TOMMY!” Benrey said, excited to see his friend for the first time in a while. Fanta ran from the excitement of seeing her father and sister. Tommy let both his dogs run off and started to catch up with Benrey. As they closed the door they turned around to see an old man standing in the hallway quietly who hadn’t been there just a second ago.

“Oh, hello Dr. Coomer” Gordon waved, smiling, this wasn’t too unusual for the man to do.

“Hello, Gordon! Thank you for inviting me to your house! It is lovely!” Coomer replied in his usual tone. As he walked over to the group. 

“How about we all play a video game or something, y’ know since Benrey is hanging out with us this time,” Gordon said, looking over to his spouse. Benrey smiled as Gordon said this.

“Oh, uh... we have Smash Bros, everyone usually likes that game.” Benrey said, scratching the back of his head and still smiling, “I can boot it up right now actually”. Everyone seemed to like that idea, aside from Coomer who hated video games, he begrudgingly agreed to play at the promise of getting to beat everyone up.

Benrey walked over to his switch that was sitting on the couch as his husband and the science team (aside from Bubby) all caught up. Benrey put his switch in its dock and handed the still talking friends the ‘motes, causing him to start talking to Tommy about their mains. 

The game loaded and all of them chose their mains. Gordon chose Snake, Benrey and Tommy took a moment to argue over who should be Isabelle before Benrey finally gave up and chose Sans, and Coomer, of course, chose Little Mac. The games ended up being short, usually being won surprisingly by Coomer with Gordon in the last place, still not understanding the controls enough to ever win.

After a few games, everyone decided it would be fairer if they played in teams. 

“Okay me and Tommy vs. Coomer and Gordon, that seems fair right?” Benrey said setting up the teams.

“Sounds fair to me, go science team!” Coomer said high-fiving Gordon and smiling. 

“Yes! Let’s go team Pepsi!” Tommy said putting his hand up to high- five Benrey who shook his head no slowly, both at the name and the high-five. 

The game was more difficult than usual, Gordon dragging Coomer down the whole time as Tommy and Benrey getting very close to winning multiple times. After Gordon had died he sat down next to Benrey, attempting to distract him.

“Kisses for Gordo?” the man said, putting his face close to Benrey, who desperately tried to focus. 

“Not now husband I’m gaming, I don’t have time to be gay,” Benrey said, his face dusted slightly blue from blushing. Gordon kisses Benrey’s cheek quickly, causing him to freeze up, unsure what to do, and giving Coomer the chance to punch him off the side of the stage. By the time Benrey could focus again, it was too late. Leaving a short match between Tommy and Coomer, quickly won by Coomer. 

“Hahaha! Yes, go to us!” Gordon said standing up and giving Dr. Coomer a high-five as Benrey rolled his eyes.

“Don’t fuck with the science team!” Dr. Coomer yelled. That line hit Benrey like a brick, he suddenly felt wrong, the room was spinning, and he felt like he had eaten too much raw cookie dough. He stood up quietly and ran to the bathroom.

Benrey sits there, he had locked the door and sat on the ground. He didn’t know what was going on but Dr. Coomer saying that cause something inside him to activate. The almost crying mess sat there for a while as he heard the noise of the door close and Gordon apologizing and saying his farewells. 

Suddenly he heard a knock at the door. “Hey Benny, you okay?” Gordon said, crouched right outside the door. Benrey unlocked the door and looked up to Gordon and hugged him. Gordon cut it short and pulled away from the hug after a minute or two.

“Hey come on, maybe we can catch the sunset, maybe that’ll help you feel better,” Gordon said grabbing his spouse’s hand 

“Yeah... good ideas,” Benrey said, nodding.

Gordon went upstairs and to a window that leads out to the roof. He helped Benrey out and onto the roof and got up himself. The pair quietly sat on the roof, looking out at the sun, they were early, they choose not to talk about what had happened. 

“It’s not real is it...” Barney said, looking out at the setting sun, head resting on his husband's shoulder. 

Gordon was silent for a moment, “what do you mean ‘it’, darling?” Gordon knew what Benrey meant, but he didn’t want that yet, for him to ask that all too simple question.

“You know” he gestured broadly at everything, “all of it”, Gordon sighed, Benrey was right, it wasn’t real. Gordon stayed silent for long, it was enough for Benrey to understand. “Ah... so I’m-“ he cut himself off “I guess that means you not real either” Gordon waited a moment, he didn’t want to ruin Benrey’s ignorance, but it wasn’t his choice. 

Gordon shook his head reluctantly, looking down at the mossy shingles of the roof “no... I’m not...” 

“You’ve been dead for about a year in real-world time,” Gordon said avoiding eye contact, “you don’t have any memory of what or who killed you, but... Gordon... the real one... he was the last thing you saw... I know that much... so make of that as you will...” Gordon sighed, Benrey snuggled in closer. 

“Are you okay now... or... is Gordon okay guess...” Benrey said, his face deadpan as he held back his emotions. 

“I wish I could tell you... I only know as much as you do...”

“Oh... I guess that makes sense” Benrey looked to Gordon who finally made eye contact, he looked sorry for him, perhaps that was just Benrey to himself but it still felt genuine. Benrey felt his eyes tearing up, he knew he can’t... or couldn’t cry in the real world, but anything is possible when you're living in your imagination. He sat up from leaning on Gordon’s shoulder, crying into his own hands, he had at last processed it all... none of it was real. Not Fanta, not the house, not their wedding, not their happy life... all was some delusion to help him cope. 

Gordon watched, as the small man’s cries progressed into balling, it was painful to see him that way. As if running on an instinct to comfort him, Gordon wrapped his arms around Benrey, hugging him tightly as the now unmoving sun shown, almost disappeared over the horizon before it had stopped, but still completely visible. Benrey didn’t hesitate to hug back, burying his face into Gordon’s chest, neither talked for some time, unsure of what either could even say. 

“How... how do I end it... end this” Benrey said, still in Gordon‘s arms, “I can’t live a lie like this, as much as I want to, it isn’t real...” Benrey said.

“... it ends when you want it to...” Gordon seemed reluctant to tell him that, staying silent as he felt Benrey nod.

“What happens when it’s over,” Benrey said, looking up at Gordon, still hugging him. 

“... you’ll be gone, no spirit, no afterlife, just... nothing,” Gordon said, feeling Benrey nod once more, “when are you going to do it.” Benrey pulled away from the hug and pointed to the sun, it started setting, slower this time. 

“When it sets... it’ll all be over... you, me, Squirt, this house, everything...” Benrey put his hand down, looking out at the orange sun, starting to disappear over the horizon. 

He wiped tears from his face and looked behind him, seeing Fanta, suddenly standing on the roof. Benrey smiled as she bounced over happily and laid down right next to him, the eldritch horror pet her head and looked back to the sun which was halfway down. 

“Benrey… do you remember our wedding?” Gordon said, breaking the silence. 

“Oh yeah, I didn’t understand how weddings worked well enough to make up what one would look like, so we just had a party in our backyard and put on rings and got drunk, that was nice…” Benrey laughed and held the smile for a while until it suddenly dropped.

Benrey looked over to Gordon, “Gordon... I know you aren't real... your just some projection of what a perfect life would be like to help myself cope with this shit... but I need to get this out there before... y’ know... I loved you man... since the day I met you back in Black Mesa... I know you hated me, it was probably justified if I’m to be honest... I wish I could undo it all... go back and redeem myself... but it’s too late...” Benrey sighed and looked back over to the sunset, only a few minutes left at best, he leaned his head on Gordon’s shoulder as he felt Gordon’s arm on his shoulders. Fanta nudged Benrey’s hand as if to ask to be pet. Benrey smiles and pets her back before looking back at the sun. 

All was silent, aside from the taps of Fanta’s tail wagging. The sun had almost set. 

“Goodbye Benrey...” Gordon said looked over to Benrey who looked up to him, still laying on his shoulder.

“Bye Gordon, I’ll see you la-“ Benrey cut himself off before making he made the mistake. Benrey looked down at the roof and sat up from Gordon’s shoulder once again, maintaining eye contact as tears filled his eyes, “just... goodbye...” he took one last look at Gordon’s face, before pulling him into a final hug. He looked at the sun from Gordon’s arms... the last sliver was about to go down over the horizon. Benrey’s emotions went from fearful to numb, but he still held on. 

Benrey looked over at the sun as he watched the last bit of then disappeared, he closed his eyes tight and

[this field has been left intentionally blank]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The show I was talking about in the summery of the fanfic was Bojack Horseman (specifically the episode the view from halfway down)


End file.
